This is my entry for the Platform Campaign Flash Fiction challenge.. somewhat hurried to make deadline!
Waiting.
The door swung open. The receptionist had returned and they all looked up.
She glanced at the mechanical flip-ticker on the wall. Marcus stood and stretched. He felt the others watch him make his way to her. Jealous.
He handed her his ticket. It was damp and creased from an age of holding and folding.
She unfurled it. Long, slender fingers. “This way, then,” she said.
Marcus, and a floral fragrance, trailed her along a short grey-painted corridor. She opened a door, and nodded to him. He considered life resumed. A rain soaked pavement.
“You’ll need this.” She handed him a blue ticket stamped Y90.
He took it, and stepped in.
Rows of seats. No windows. Waiting people took him in, and looked away. A ticker on the wall read A15.
He turned to explain she’d made a mistake. To protest. To complain, but the doorway was empty.
He stepped over outstretched legs, and around bags and found an empty seat beside a woman in an ultramarine trouser suit. As he sat, a vague memory of somewhere else faded, along with the scent of lavender. He settled down to wait.
The door swung shut.
His own Groundhog's Day! Mine is #72
Scary to me. I often have dreams like this, never being able to reach my destination. Very well explained script; it would be very difficult to continue with this.
I'm still pondering this one! It has me wondering what happens next!!
Interesting – I am intrigued by what is going on and I want to know what this place is, why these people are waiting and where they are going!
You're very good at description. I really feel the setting but the plot is a bit ambiguous….a guy waiting.
So what happens?? LOL Mine is 368 if you are interested.
I agree with above comments. Leaves too many unanswered questions. Want to know more.
Thanks for the feedback all! @cathyvasseldavies: not sure what happens –
my guess is he moves from room to room perpetually, always one step from relief but never quite getting it. As N.Scott said I was being ambiguous- aiming maybe for a version of purgatory, or maybe a modern take on the myth of Tantalus. I think the lesson here perhaps is that flash fiction demands more clarity than this!
I though it was death. It was the feel it had. Nice job. I'm #232.
I really enjoyed this – it felt very surreal. I liked your short sentences. Dreamlike!
I agree with Trisha about it being dream-like. Very interesting. And frustrating, haha (for him)!
Mine is #291: http://rachaelharrie.blogspot.com/2011/09/first-campaigner-challenge.html
What a curious scene. Well described and flowed just as well. Your short sentences really carried the story along.
Great job!
I really liked this, and the idea that he is perpetually moving through these rooms. I think the ambiguity works. Mine is 316 (I think, bit rubbish at this bit).
Hello! Nicely done. I'm a fellow procrastinator and barely got mine finished in time! Nice to meet you.
Oh I liked this a lot! Great job.
Fellow Group 18 Campaigner, C.M. Cipriani
Wow, this really makes me wonder what's going to happen. And what's going on anyway? Nicely done
I'm #383, http://bit.ly/p1sCwZ
You have a unique style here, This, to me, has an eerie, dreamlike feel. Nice use of language. A scene rendered with an economy of words. Well done!